Monday, August 13, 2007


So long, and thanks for all the fish.

And by fish, I mean bullshit, and by thanks I mean fuck you.

Yesterday, August 10th 2007 marks my last day at Napoli's. Here's what happened, including what led up to it:

Some time in 2006 I was "promoted" (sans pay raise) to Delivery Manager, a previously nonexistent position created just for me. With that great power came some great responsibility, including the creation of the schedule for all Napoli's drivers. I was always fair when making the schedule, giving those who needed the money most more hours than those who didn't need it quite as much (ie: the high schoolers who were still living at their parents' home). All of the drivers, so far as I understand, respected the schedules I put up every few weeks or so and there were few issues regarding who was working when. Stick with me; that's all pertinent to my story.

About a month ago I picked up a second job working overnights at a particular big name toy store with a giraffe mascot whose actual name, for whatever use or purpose, I'm not allowed to mention here: a silly rule that I learned at orientation, but a rule nonetheless. I had to make changes in the drivers' schedule, but there seemed to be no problems since everyone was available, for the most part, at all times during the summer.

Fast forward to one week and one day ago, Friday the 3rd of August. I gave Napoli's my two weeks' notice because school starts for many of their employees on August 27th and many people, including a couple drivers, are leaving to pursue other goals. I realized that this would cause a lot of grief with scheduling drivers since I needed to be sure I was out by 9:00 every night so I could get to my second job on time and, after school started, not many people would be willing or able to close on weekdays at Napoli's so I would have to start closing during the week. Unfortunately with my new job, where I'm working at 10:00 every Tuesday through Saturday night, that would be impossible for me. So, being the good dedicated employee I am, I decided to jump ship too.

The reason I gave Napoli's, albeit true though not necessarily my actual reason, is that Grammatically Incorrect Toy Store was going to start offering me nine dollars an hour for forty hours a week. My last day at Napoli's was to be Friday, August 17th. A couple days later at Napoli's, Certain Un-Named Tyee, whose name I will not be mentioning by choice because I'm afraid I might either spell it wrong or accidentally type a vulgar dirty word instead, told me that, by the way, I'm going to be running the cash register during the remainder of my two weeks at Napoli's instead of taking deliveries. Without thinking I said "Sure, okay," and that was the end of the conversation. Later, when I wasn't quite so tired and in a more sound state of mind, I realized that even at the $9/hour Certain Un-Named Tyee offered to run the register, I'd still be making much less than I do as a driver. On top of that, the realization hit me that she had gone over my head and written her own schedule for the drivers, undermining my manager status and, in a metaphorical way, slapping me hard across the face with a bold Fuck you, D.

So now we come to last night, my first night to run the register and not drive. I showed up at the time I had scheduled myself for on the schedule I wrote, which was 4:45. Before I even went in, I called Certain Un-Named Tyee's husband at Napoli's (he kind of co-runs it with her) and explained to him that I did not want to spend my last week doing a job that was not the job I was hired to do. I explained that I would much rather run deliveries instead of the register. So when I showed up last night, I told him I needed my $20 "bank" in order to start taking deliveries. The following conversation ensued:

Him: Why?
Me: So I can take the next delivery. I was here before Eric and there's one coming up.
Him: You're not taking deliveries tonight.
Me: I already told you, I don't want to do the register. It's not my job. Anyway, you seem to have the register handling under control.

So Certain Un-Named Tyee's husband then called Certain Un-Named Tyee, who was not actually going in to work last night. After a brief conversation with her on the phone, he gave the phone to me. She and I had the following conversation:

Me: Heeello?
Her: What are you doing? I told you to come in at 6:00 to work the register.
Me: But the schedule on the wall (mine) has me coming in at 4:45. Anyway, I think I'd rather take deliveries tonight.
Her: Well, we've already got three drivers coming in.
Me: Then I guess I'll leave.
Her: Are you coming back, or do you mean for good?
Me: You still want me to run the register all next week, right?
Her: Yes.
Me: Then it's for good.

And then I hung up. And then I told Certain Un-Named Tyee's husband that I'll be coming by Sunday for my last check. And then I walked out. And that's the end of my story.

It is not, however, the end of this note. I thought I should point out just a few of the things that ultimately led to my quick departure. I'll try to stick only to the ones that really had an effect:

First, Certain Un-Named Tyee has always been a so-and-so to pretty much all of the employees at Napoli's for pretty much their entire tenures with the business. From what I understand, this little characteristic of hers has driven many an employee to quit. Some with warning, but most without. Sure, they'd give their reasons for leaving, but conversations between them and me afterward suggested it was her attitude that really drove them off. To be entirely honest, as long as she and I were working together in the same store, I was rarely in a good mood (despite my joyous composure) and it was most often because of her.

My second reason for leaving is that it took over three goddamn years of dedicated service before they gave me a raise. Yes, by the way, they did give me a raise to seven dollars an hour, but threatened me with my job if I told anyone. I'm not even joking about that last part. But really. Three years. Even then, it took several months of me asking, then pleading, then threatening to leave before they even considered it. That goes to show how much my three years there were valued. Oh, right, and did I mention the raise-free promotion? I think you get it.

My third, and most important reason, kind of ties in with my first reason. When I had been with Napoli's for a few months, Holly was in dire need of a job and I happened to mention it one night at work, so I was told to have her come in and, possibly, start working there. She did go in and she was hired. However, she received absolutely no training despite that it was her first job waiting tables, and if she made a mistake it didn't matter how minute it was; bosses/managers would chastise her, were rude to her, and would literally insult her in front of customers. The worst offender in these cases was, you guessed it, Certain Un-Named Tyee. Eventually her rudeness drove Holly to quit. Certain Un-Named Tyee insulted my fiancee, in front of customers and then, I suppose, thought I wouldn't hear about it or would be fine with it if Holly did happen to mention it to me one day. Well, after a prolonged three-year feigning of friendliness I can finally say no, I was not fine with it. I am not fine with it. I was never fine with it. Certain Un-Named Tyee was never forgiven, nor will she ever be.

So that's how life at Napoli's was like. In case anyone who reads this just so happened to be considering seeking employment there, I really hope you think twice and, if necessary, read this long and tedious note over a second time.

That all said, this note is finally over.

So long, and fuck you for all the bullshit.

I wrote this as a Facebook "note" Saturday, August 11th.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


Pet Peeves.

The following is a compiled list of what many drivers named as some of their biggest pet peeves on the job (taken from various threads on the Tip The Pizza Guy discussion board). I've left duplicate peeves in the list to show how common many of these issues are:

Here are the things that I contributed to the [many] topics about pet peeves:

Friday, June 15, 2007


Dine-in Rule Number Two

If you're in a restaurant after they've closed and you're finished eating, get the fuck out.

A group of five people came in to Napoli's tonight about 45 minutes before we closed. They placed their orders, and all was well. We were slow, but we can't prepare to close early; there's always a chance some people will come in for a last-minute dinner. All was well -- I'm used to staying after we're closed to wait for customers to leave before I can vacuum anyway.

At 15 minutes 'til closing, another person came in and joined the party of five and ordered a slice of pizza. After another five minutes, they received their check and paid for their meal. Ten minutes later, at 10:00, we turned off our "open" sign. The two people who paid for everyone (a man and a woman) got up and left. The other four (all women) stood up with their purses. A moment later, the woman who had left came back in. Then, all five women sat back down. I had already vacuumed one section (out of three) of the store. Now, these five women who had already finished eating and paid for their meals, who knew we were trying to close (it's hard to ignore the vacuum), were sitting back down to chat for a while. I counted out my tips ($55.47 for 13 deliveries) and then vacuumed another section of the store, taking my time so the women might get the hint and leave. Finally, at 10:25, after I'd finished vacuuming two sections of the store, they got up and left. At 10:30, I was gone.

Now to get one thing straight, I don't mind sticking around half an hour after we're closed -- hell, it happens all the time. But these people were done eating by closing time and still decided to stick around. That's rude. If you're with some people you haven't seen in a while, that's fine. If you want to play catch-up and finish your conversation, that's fine too. But y'know what? You can do that in the parking lot. Don't waste our time because your fat asses are too lazy to get up.

Friday, May 25, 2007


Some Random Thoughts.

Small children are adorable. I delivered to a house the other night and a little girl came up to me, proclaiming how much she loves "pasketti," then boldly asked, "Did you bring me pasketti?" I did.

Last night a woman, who I imagine just wanted to complain about something, took a bag from me and groaned about how "this doesn't feel like it's very hot anymore."
"That's okay," I told her. "It's your tiramisu."

I will no longer be returning to houses when nobody's home, starting a few nights ago. I got to a house 20 minutes early. I rang, knocked, called, rang, knocked, called, then gave up. I called them a final time, got no answer, and left the following message: "This is D with Napoli's. The time is 6:38 and I'm in front of your house with your food but not receiving an answer. As long as you're already out, your order will be ready for pick-up at the store." And they did pick it up, about 10 minutes later, because they thought it'd be okay to go and do some grocery shopping. The kind of grocery shopping that required more than one person, apparently.

Delivering in the rain is fun, but only when people aren't assholes. Last night there were a bunch of assholes, but fortunately there were also several generous people, including a couple very generous people (an $8 tip and an $18 tip). Despite all the assholes, I left last night with $78 in tips for 17 deliveries.

Management are actually actively discussing giving me a raise, even when I'm not around. I heard from another employee that when she asked for a raise a couple nights ago, as unprofessional as it was, a manager told her "The only person who's getting a raise soon will be D." Said another manager: "Oh, really?" Said first manager: "Yeah, he's been with us a really long time and deserves it." There was a little more back-and-forth, but you get the gist.

Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cheap Trick, AC/DC, Van Halen, and Alice Cooper are among my favorite bands to listen to while delivering. If I'm not listening to music when I work, I'm listening to talk radio. The only downside is that since I'm constantly in and out of my car, there's a lot of stuff I miss when it comes to talk radio.

Sunday, May 13, 2007


Full of Shit.

Last night, I was simply amazed at how well I was able to control myself. Let's start off at the beginning:

Two deliveries were up; one to Street A and the other to Street B. "Street A is on the way to Street B," I said, so I was given both to take. I looked at the tickets. Street A only ordered 30 minutes ago and were given an 50-60 minutes for delivery. Oh well, there's nothing wrong with showing up a little early. So I take Street A first and I get no answer at the door after ringing the doorbell. So I knock, loudly. Again, no answer. Street B's order is still sitting in my car and I can't remember how long I have to get there, so I hop back in my car and leave. Street B ends up getting there on time, and all is well, so I head back to Street A on my way back to the store. When I got there, it was now still about 10 minutes early.

I knock first this time, loudly. No answer.
I ring the bell again. No answer.
I knock one last time. No answer.
I hop in my car and call the customers on the phone number they gave us. By the sound of the voice mail, it's their home number. No answer. I left the following message: "Hi, this is D with Napoli's. I have your address as XXXX Street A. I just wanted to let you know I've been by your house twice now, but neither time did anybody come to the door. If you'd like, you may call Napoli's at (insert the store's phone number here) and let us know when you're ready to have your order delivered. We will try and get it to you shortly thereafter. I am so sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you." The whole thing was dripping with sarcasm, especially the last line. Anyway, I got back to the store and put the delivery to Street A in a safe place, then explained to everyone who'd be getting the phone what was going on. I told them not to send anyone out with that delivery until the customers called back, even if it was getting close to the hour delivery time they'd been given.

I took a few more deliveries and, about an hour and 20 minutes after they ordered (20 minutes after their delivery should have been there), the customers on Street A called back wondering where their food was. Someone else took the call, but told me the customers said they were home the entire time. Right, whatever. I took their delivery for a third time, half expecting them not to answer the door. They did.

Me: "How are you today?"
IC: "Not too good."
Me: "Oh yeah? Why not?
IC: "Because you guys are late!"
Me: "With all due respect, I've been here twice already and nobody answered the door."
IC: "We were home the entire time."
Me: "I'm not sure what happened, then. I rang the doorbell, knocked, and even called you guys and left a message."
IC: "You're so full of shit."
I was suddenly in shock; I've had customers curse at me before, but never had one ever called me a liar
Me: "I beg your pardon?"
What I should have said here was "Sir, until you apologize to me for what you just said, I will make sure we never deliver to you again." But I didn't. Dammit. Just imagine, from this point on, that my voice has picked up a very sarcastic tone behind pretty much everything I say. At this point, I begin speaking to the customer as though he's a child (even though he's at least 20 or 30 years my senior).
IC: "You're full of shit."
At this point, the customer reaches out and rings the doorbell multiple times to prove that it works.
Me: "I see it works; that's so strange that you didn't hear it if you were here the entire time."
IC: "My wife and I were in this room (he points to a room right by the door) the entire time."
Me: "Then you definitely should have heard when I knocked."
IC: "You guys have done this to us before."
Me: "I understand. Sometimes our customers just aren't home, so we have no choice but to wait for them to call us, rather than waste a driver's time by sending them out."
IC: "We were right here the whole time."
Me: "Sir, how the heck would I benefit from calling you 30 or 40 minutes ago -- and you can check your caller ID and voice mail -- just to lie to you?"
IC: "This has happened before, and I won't put up with it."
I know the customer was telling the truth, because it had happened before with me.
Me: "Yeah, that's pretty bizarre."
IC: "I know the owner. I'm going to call him and let him know what you guys are doing."
Me: "Good luck with that. Enjoy your food."

Without another word, I left. The food/money exchange had taken place at the beginning of the conversation. For whatever reason, the guy still tipped a couple bucks on his relatively small order. As soon as I got back in my car, I called Napoli's and explained to a manager over the phone what had just happened. I didn't relay the entire conversation, but I did include the important parts, especially the customer telling me I'm "full of shit." I admitted that after that point I may have gotten a little rude. My managers understood and were eager to talk to the guy when he called back. Unfortunately, as long as I was still there, he never called back.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


No Lights!

Last night I took a delivery to a senior citizens' community. As I was pulling up to "check in" (the gatekeeper never actually makes me check in), it was brought to my attention that my driver-side headlight had gone out (suddenly I remember, all too late, what it was I wanted to do this morning). That was wonderful news (sarcasm), considering I kept hearing on the news of the terrible storms that were coming our way last night. So I'd be stuck taking deliveries in the rain with only one headlight and fog lights that, when I actually need them, don't really amount to much.

I was driving out to the middle of fucking nowhere when the rain started. There were large drops hitting my windshield, but nothing too serious. In fact, by the time I got to my destination the rain had almost stopped, which was good because I had to roll down my window to punch in a gate code. I got up to the house, pulled up in front of the door, grabbed the food, and got out. It was raining again, but still somewhat lightly. The woman invited me in, but I had just walked through a puddle and didn't want to get her floors wet. Besides, there was an awning over the entrance that protected me from the rain.

Until the wind kicked in. I'd been hearing about the wind all night on the radio. Suddenly, as I stood there, the clouds unleashed a deluge of water upon us, with 80 mile-per-hour winds to top it off. I got my check, then dashed out to my car and jumped in. In the time it took me to open the door, jump in, and close the door, my passenger seat had gotten soaked. That's how rough the wind was; the rain was falling horizontally. I got on the road and it only took me a few seconds to realize I couldn't see more than a couple yards in front of me. I called Napoli's and told them I was pulling over for a while and to stop taking delivery orders. They obeyed.

The rain let up a tiny bit (the wind did not) so I took advantage of the slightly better visibility and drove (slowly) back to the store. On my way I noticed uprooted trees and debris blocking roads, as well as traffic lights that were no longer functioning. Overall, a pretty dangerous situation. I realized on my way that the street lights were no longer on, regardless of how dark it had become outside. A power outage; great. I also saw that none of the lights for the stores in the little strip Napoli's is a part of were on, including the lights at Napoli's.

I pulled up behind the store and walked into the kitchen, where cooks were using the lights of their cellphones to see. I made my way up front where two customers were just leaving. Nobody had heard from the other driver. I tried calling him, but my server was down, rendering my phone pretty much useless. I was told that two people had ordered delivery before the outage (and before I had called and told them no more), and both orders were ready, but it was up to me whether or not I would take them. I looked at the two: one woman, apparently, had promised a good tip ($2) for making us go out in the bad weather. The other was a family who had tried to short-change me and another driver three times, but then started tipping $2-$3 after that. Despite the fact that the first delivery was closer, $2 is not a good tip, especially when delivering in that kind of weather. I decided to take my chances with the short-changers.

I took the second delivery. On the way: more debris, more broken branches and trees, more broken traffic lights, more neighborhoods without any power. I got there in good time, though, and the woman gave me $15 for her $12.88 order. Before I could murmur "thanks" and walk away, she told me I deserved more than that for having to go out in the crazy weather. She went inside, then came back with $3 more. We talked a little bit about the weather and I let her know that I had chosen to take her delivery instead of another one (I'm a sly dog, I know). She thanked me, told me to be careful, I told her about the conditions outside (she didn't have a battery-powered TV or radio), she asked about the threat of tornadoes, I told her there's always the possibility, so be alert, but none were expected, then I went on my way.

I got back to Napoli's and the other driver had finally arrived. He told us what we expected: more debris, more power outages, and even some flooding on major roads (I'd been taking side or back roads and hadn't seen any flooding yet). He took the other delivery and, I hope, got more than a cheap $2 tip. We hung out for a while in front of the store (it was way too damn hot inside), calculated our tips with a calculator on my cellphone, then left at 9:00. The lights were out all across this side of the city, but amazingly my apartment lights were still on. The weather died down to a light rain a little before I left Napoli's, but driving home was still rough because of all the debris.

All in all, last night was pretty good tip-wise, and pretty exciting too, but it's business as usual when I go in tonight. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


To the Generous People on Mineral Springs:

Allow me to say thank you for the generous tip you offered me on your $13.48 delivery order Saturday, April 28th. It meant so much to me, in fact, that to show my appreciation I had to splurge and spend twenty times that tip amount on a stamp, just so I could mail this to you. I'll be adding your tip to my savings account and, after doing a little math, it should only take about 36 years for the interest to add up to enough money so that I can pay for the gas I had to use to deliver your food to you.

Thank you once again,

p.s. I was hoping I could make a joke about giving me "your two cents," but I figure the fact that you tipped me two cents is a joke in and of itself.


And here's another thing I didn't mention in the hypothetical letter: if you're going to have the driver deliver your food to the gate in the back, at least have the common courtesy of coming to the gate yourself, rather than making your daughter, who has been playing in a sandbox, go see who the stranger at the gate, which is not even close to being in your line of sight, might be. That's just irresponsible and stupid. Then, don't make me wait five minutes for you to go and find a pen so you can fill out your check (yes folks, she wrote the two cent "tip" in on a check; talk about a cheap bitch) and then make your little girl bring it to me. Allow me to reiterate one more time: little girl in a little girl bikini, going up to a stranger out of eyesight, because you're too goddamn lazy to handle a simple transaction yourself. Grow the fuck up, lady.