D's Pizza Delivery

Allow me to say thank you for the generous tip you offered me on your $13.48 delivery order Saturday, April 28th. It meant so much to me, in fact, that to show my appreciation I had to splurge and spend twenty times that tip amount on a stamp, just so I could mail this to you. I'll be adding your tip to my savings account and, after doing a little math, it should only take about 36 years for the interest to add up to enough money so that I can pay for the gas I had to use to deliver your food to you.

Thank you once again,
D

p.s. I was hoping I could make a joke about giving me "your two cents," but I figure the fact that you tipped me two cents is a joke in and of itself.

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And here's another thing I didn't mention in the hypothetical letter: if you're going to have the driver deliver your food to the gate in the back, at least have the common courtesy of coming to the gate yourself, rather than making your daughter, who has been playing in a sandbox, go see who the stranger at the gate, which is not even close to being in your line of sight, might be. That's just irresponsible and stupid. Then, don't make me wait five minutes for you to go and find a pen so you can fill out your check (yes folks, she wrote the two cent "tip" in on a check; talk about a cheap bitch) and then make your little girl bring it to me. Allow me to reiterate one more time: little girl in a little girl bikini, going up to a stranger out of eyesight, because you're too goddamn lazy to handle a simple transaction yourself. Grow the fuck up, lady.

# posted by D @ 9:37 PM