D's Pizza Delivery

While working tonight (busy at first, but by 7:30p business had quickly grinded to a halt), I was following behind somebody in a little black Camry who was going 40 miles per hour in a zone where the limit was 55. Being in a hurry to drop off two deliveries, I found myself growing more and more frustrated with the driver in front of me. But while I was slowly puttering along behind the fool in the Camry, a great idea occured to me: I'll make a blog entry about this! Not only that situation, of course, but about all the things other drivers do on the road that piss me off.

So here is a list of driving habits that make me angry:

That's all I can come up with right now, but expect future installments of posts like these when I either see or just think of something else. Go ahead and tell me the things that piss you, my readers, off when it comes to driving. This is a topic anyone can enjoy. Unless, of course, you're one of the assholes it applies to. In that case, get off your computer and go take some goddamn driving lessons.

Parents, teach your children about tipping especially if you intend to leave them home with your money. I believe children don't tip for two reasons:

The fix to this is simple. If you are planning on going out for the evening and leaving money with little Johnny or little Jane, knowing they'll be ordering food for delivery, simply tell them to take the total of the order and add two or three dollars for a tip (very generous parents will tell them to add four or five, depending on the size of the order). That way they'll know either A) that they're allowed to spend an extra couple dollars of your money or B) what tipping is. Of course, it may also be a good idea to order for your children. If they know what they want before you go out, this is easy. All you have to do is call the store for them and, if they don't want the delivery right away, tell your order taker what time to deliver the meal. Then you can simply write out the check or give them the cash for the order (include special instructions if leaving cash: "Get X much change back," or "tell him to keep the change"). If, however, they don't know what they want right away, it will take a little more planning ahead. Tell your son or daughter before you leave to call you when they're ready to order. Then call the store for them. When you're done, call the children back and tell them the price for the order (with the tip included in the price). And that's it!

This thread applies to parents who leave babysitters with money or a blank check as well.

Around 9:15 Sunday night I had to take a delivery to 1240 W. Main Street. Since Main St. is the main street through the town and there are many businesses (but not so many homes) on that street, I decided after climbing in my car to call the customer up and get a little information. This is how our conversation went (the customer will be referred to as "IC," for Idiot Customer):

IC: Hello?
D: Hi, this is D with Napoli's.
IC: Yes, hi.
D: I've got your address as 1240 W. Main St. Is that correct?
IC: Yes it is.
D: Alright; I was just wondering if that's a home or a business.
IC: It's an apartment.
D: Oh, really? What's the name of the complex, then?
IC: Sandy Stone Apartments.
D: Great, so is 1240 the apartment number?
IC: No, that's the address.
D: Oh. Could I have the apartment number then, please?
IC: Sure, it's 1021. What's the price?
D: Your price is $21.25. What did you say the apartment number was again?
IC: 1021. Did you need the gate code, too?
D: There's a gate that requires a code?
IC: Yes.
D: Then yes, I'd appreciate the code.
IC: Alright, it's 1411.
D: Thank you, I'll see you in a bit.
IC: Bye!

Did you happen to catch everything this customer did incorrectly? In case you didn't, I'll point them out to you. Here are the things to let the order taker know if you live in an apartment.

1. Let them know you live in an apartment. Duh.
2. Don't just give the address of the complex; give the name as well.
3. Your apartment number is kind of important.
4. If the buildings are lettered, let us know what building you're in.
5. Sometimes apartments are arranged awkwardly. If this is the case, directions help.
6. If there's a gate that requires a code, we really need to know the code.

Had I not called her, I would not have known any of those rather important things. On top of that, while we were speaking to each other she sounded as though she were eating the phone. People, if you hold the phone one or two inches from your mouth, I can still hear you. I don't have to hear the spit bubbles under your tongue burst every time you open your mouth. Unfortunately, I did lie to the customer once. I told her I'd see her in a bit. Now, when I say "a bit," what I generally mean is "in a few minutes" or, since her apartment complex was out of our delivery area, "in ten minutes." It took me ten minutes to get there (damn traffic lights), but it took me another thirty of navigating through her dark, poorly lit, and poorly arranged apartment complex before I was finally able to even find the correct building. I trudged up to the second floor with her food, pausing once to set her food on the floor of the walkway and tie my shoe. Then she paid, and I realized I just wasted an hour of my life and an entire gallon of gas for a $2 tip.

The message behind this post:
DON'T BE AN IDIOT.

All street names, complex names, and numbers (excluding monetary amounts) have been changed for my protection.

Alright, I understand this is supposed to be a blog about delivery, so I'll try and keep the dine-in posts to a minimum. The fact of the matter is, Napoli's is a dine-in store and I have duties other than taking deliveries.

So here's rule number one for dine-in customers:
TRY TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES, YOU FILTHY ASSHOLES.

I know, I know, I'm asking a lot there. But it's a goddamn matter of respect. Respect for the employees at the restaurant as well as respect for the other customers. I'm not asking you to carry your plates to the dishwasher or even to stack them to make busing the table easier. I'm talking about the floor. If you drop a napkin, pick it up. If you drop food, pick it up. Don't just throw shit on the floor. If you don't want to eat it, set it aside on your plate. If your child drops something, make him/her pick it up.

We clean the tables after every customer leaves, but we don't have time to clean the floors until the end of the night when everyone's gone and we simply don't want to pull out the vacuum every five to ten minutes. The other customers probably wouldn't appreciate that, either. So how would you feel if you came to a restaurant and sat down at a table to discover the floor below was filthy? Would you enjoy standing in other peoples' food and dirty napkins? No, you wouldn't. In fact, you'd probably blame the waitperson and stiff him/her because you're a cheap asshole. Anyway, you wouldn't like that. Nobody would. It's unpleasant. So fucking pick up your shit before you leave. Just pick it up and drop it on the table. Anywhere on the table is fine, because we'll take care of it.

Babies are sloppy eaters. Babies throw shit all over the place when they eat. Not adults. Adults are supposed to be mature and grown-up. So when an adult drops something, he/she needs to pick it up. Because adults aren't babies. If a baby drops something, by the way, the nearest adult should pick it up. Babies cannot be expected to clean up their own shit. But adults can behave like grown-ups and help keep the place tidy.

It's time to clear things up about the delivery charge that most stores use. What the delivery charge is, essentially, is a way for the store to rake in more profits, usually making up for food costs, etc.

I'll start by pointing out that Napoli's does not enforce a delivery charge, and thus we increase the price of our food. This seems like an easy enough fix, to have "free delivery," but I'll point out the problem with that later.

The delivery charge, often anywhere from one to three dollars, is a charge that only the customers who order delivery are forced to pay. Pick-up customers (and dine-in, in some places) do not get charged with these extra dollars. The problem with it is that the delivery customers, being charged a couple extra dollars for their orders, are being misled to believe that those dollars are going to the driver and, therefore, will often refrain from tipping them. Most stores will give their drivers a small chunk of the delivery charge, typically about fifty cents to a dollar, to make up for mileage costs (though at $3+ for gas in many places, it can hardly be considered a fair compensation). Basically, what is happenening is that the store is misleading its customers into not tipping their drivers. Is it the fault of the customer? Not entirely; the fault lays primarily on the store. Is it fair to ask a customer to pay $5 over their total just to tip the driver $3? Not really, but it's certainly important for the customer to know where their money is going. If they'd like to tip their driver $3, they need to understand that the $2 charge is not a part of their tip.

As for "free delivery," my main (and only) problem is that customers begin to think well, if it's free, then I don't need to tip, right? Wrong. Free just means we're not going to overcharge you for ordering delivery instead of pick-up or dining in. Tips are still expected (it's fair enough to say that because, after all, if tips weren't expected in this job I wouldn't have taken it) and we still have homes, cars, and families to pay for.

My work shirts are in the laundry right now so what better to do with my time than make a blog entry? A couple posts ago, I spoke about racial differences in tipping. In the post I made a promise to talk about economic differences in tipping, so that's my goal today.

A recent situation should sum up my feelings toward rich people, specifically middle-aged, rich, white women: The other day, I took an order out to a newer section of town where all the homes cost anywhere from $750,000-$1,000,000. I pulled up to the house, probably one of the lower-end ones, around $800K. The order total was $45.62. The woman (middle-aged and white) handed me a $100 bill, asking if I could break it. Normally, the answer would be no, but I happened to have enough change with me for it and I explained to her "Alright, your change will be $54" (before any of you readers get nitpicky, I will remind you that I've pointed out in earlier posts that we don't carry around coin change, so I did not have her $.38 on me; besides, you're supposed to tip).

I began counting out the woman's change, and she said to me, ever so politely, "just give me $52 back." I think now is an appropriate time to remind my readers that I deliver in Texas, and lately the temperature has been above 100 degrees while I work.

So let's reiterate:
-$45.62 order
-100+ degrees outside
-$800K house
-Paid with $100 bill
-$2.38 tip.

From my experience, almost all rich, middle-aged, white women are like this. We have another who lives in a $600-750K house and will tip $2, no matter what the size of the order is or how long it takes. Two whole dollars.

HOWEVER, rich elderly men and women are saints. Absolute saints. One of the communities we deliver to is a "senior living" complex, so we deliver to a lot of elderly people. Most (not all, of course) of them are very generous with their tips and, in fact, some of my best tips in the past couple years have come from that area.

Another exception: we have one customer who has absolutely no qualms about overtipping his servers. Jerry Jones is the owner of the Dallas Cowboys football team. His partner, whom I will not name, happens to live in our delivery area. After receiving a $27 tip from him on a $24 order the other day, I learned that when he dines in at Napoli's he generally leaves anywhere between $30 and $50 for his waiter.

So anyway, while there are some exceptions, the general observation is that rich people are poor tippers, especially rich white women. Unless they're overweight. Overweight rich women are quite jolly and usually will tip nicely.

Early afternoon yesterday, I stopped in at Napoli's to grab something to eat. While I was waiting for my food some big ugly guy with disheveled long hair (Nick Nolte?) walked into the store. He had a black eye and, I imagine, had recently been fighting.

In any case, this big ugly dude waltzed into the store with his skinny ugly friend (who stayed nearer to the door), went to the front counter, and asked for directions to a specific location in the next town over. The guy working the counter pointed over to me (I wasn't in uniform) and said "Ask D, he's one of our drivers."

So I found out exactly where this guy was going, and yes, I knew precisely where it was. I'm a driver, after all, and it's important for me to know the roads and know the area. Well, as soon as I begin to explain to this guy how to get there, he tells me "No, no, no, I'm looking for..." I tell him that's where I'm leading him and he says, "No, I have to travel down..." I told him he doesn't have to travel down that road, and that my directions would be quicker. I explain the route to him again, and he says "Forget it, man," and walks over to a table where people are dining and asks them for directions.

First off, that's rude. Only a total asshole would interrupt someone while they're eating in order to gather information he already has. Likewise, only a total asshole would shrug off the information I gave him (when I do know better) and then expect someone else, who most likely is not a professional driver and who most likely does not know the roads as well as I do, to give him better directions.

The people who were eating were kind enough to give him directions. Lo and behold, the directions were exactly the same as the ones I gave, but with one difference: they called the streets by their FM numbers while I called them by their physical names. And would you believe it? The big ugly asshole thanked the people at the table heartily before he and his friend stomped out of the store.

Since the subject matter of this post can be a bit touchy, I feel I should state a disclaimer before the rest of the post. So here goes.

First, I am not going to be politically correct. Second, this post is not based on opinion. Yes, I will be making generalizations, but these generalizations are based on not only my personal experience, but the experiences of those I work with and other drivers across the country. While I don't feel the need to collect the statistics for you, I will assure you they are out there. After you've read my post, if you're skeptical go ahead and do a Google search. You will discover I'm not lying, nor am I simply being racist. You will discover that what I've said is completely true.

Black people don't tip.

Am I saying that no black person has ever tipped a waiter or delivery driver or anybody else working in a tipped profession? No. As I said, this is a generalization. In general, black people don't tip. Have I gotten tipped by black people? Yes, several times. But generally, no. Nine times out of ten, black people don't tip. Why don't black people tip? Nobody knows. Not even black people. I've heard many excuses, the most common of which being that black people expect extraordinary service and will not tip if it's anything less. To me, that's bullshit. Plain and simple. Because of this, either black people are assholes or that's not a real reason. In fact, if the reason is anything other than ignorance, then black people are assholes.

Do I hate black people?
No.

Do I hate delivering to black people?
Yes.

Are there other races that don't tip? Generally, no. The only real tipping problem seems to be with black people. Asians could use a few pointers, but at least they tip. Rich white women need to learn how to tip better, but that's a discussion for another day. Indians, Mexicans, and rednecks generally tip, and tip well enough.

Once again, this is a broad generalization of all black people. I have black customers who tip; one or two of whom tip rather well. But in general a black person will either hand over the exact change or round up to the nearest dollar.